Movie

I’m sitting in the waiting area of First Consultant.

Waiting for test results; the doctor asked me to do a full blood count.

I feel rather weak, but I just left his house. I was going to go after the hospital, but he was going to work at 1:30pm and I really wanted to see him, so I went before.

When I got there, he was brushing his teeth. He was shocked because I came in quietly, I found it funny that he was because he has a funny shocked face.

I watched him shower, and even though I’ve watched him do so countless times, I was still fascinated at how meticulous he is with it. He has a routine, shampoo, face wash, then scrub. I don’t know if I have a routine, but I don’t stress myself.

Anyway he finished, and wiped down, then we went into the bedroom and I helped him rub his back with that oil he likes to use that smells so good. I can still smell it and it’s comforting. Reminds me of him.

Anyway, we very quickly moved to having sex and while we were at it, I asked if he wanted to switch positions, and we did, then he took my phone and started making a video. It was so exciting. The lights were off and so he put on the flash and we just made a movie. He stopped it and threw the phone away at some point which was funny.

Anyway, we finished and he didn’t even mention anything about it again. I didn’t want to watch it while he was there, so I waited until I left not long after as I still had to go to the hospital.

I kinda like the video. I deleted it from my phone camera roll tho. Lol

Anyway I have to go.

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Didn’t ask for money for food, but I kind of asked for money to go to the hospital.

At least I can do a blood test there and then we can talk about the results.

It’s Saturday morning and I’m here eating snacks because my tummy flares up every time I’m hungry.

I’ve had 2 pregnancy scares in the last couple months and so I’m a bit hesitant to say here that I think I’m pregnant even though I believe I am. I haven’t even told him.

I don’t like the snack I’m even eating. There’s also no food in my fridge, but I have indomie. I’ve been eating a lot.

I’ve also been struggling super hard with sleep even though I’m constantly sleepy.

I need food right now. Everything else will fall in place but I really need to eat and the last thing I want is indomie.

I think I’m just going to ask him for food or money because I’m super not in the mood to make myself anything.

A lot has happened

Wow.

So much has happened in the time I haven’t written.

I had to apologise for the texts I sent because they were based on past insecurities. He forgave me when I explained that too.

Speaking of insecurities, I’ve spent the last couple weeks, (with the leading of The Holy Spirit) dealing with them with him. We’ve had long conversations (mostly me talking) where I’ve walked through most of my entire emotional adult life with him. We even touched the childhood stuff too. Everything from the abuse, to the house I lived in growing up and everything.

We weren’t having sex so we just talked. We talked a lot. I opened up to him completely and began the healing process. He’s been amazing. He listened to everything and encouraged where necessary.

I expressed everything including my missing him and disappointment that we couldn’t have sex, he told me that he’s disappointed too, because we’re not on the same page re pregnancy and abortions. We both just let the topic go at the time. I was hurt and I think he was too. He doesn’t say much so I can’t speak for him exactly.

Then Friday night and yesterday happened. He had sent me a meme on Twitter on Wednesday evening, it was about cream pies. One of our inside jokes, and that’s actually what started the disappointment conversation. We moved on and then on Friday night, at about 10pm he sent a meme of someone touching the other person’s nipples. I was asleep so I didn’t see it, (I believe The Holy Spirit forced me to go to bed actually because I didn’t have peace until I did) and I woke up around midnight. I had text him laughing at it, because it’s another inside thing we have, and then told him how much I missed him and other sweet stuff. He text back one sentence. “Shave your vagina”.

I asked him if he was sure and told him okay. He didn’t reply, the next morning I text him to let him know that I had shaved and that he should let me know when he’d be coming.

Long story short, he asked me to come to his place instead, but I had to wait for his friend to leave first. Then I got there and I don’t know how to explain how the day went. It was sooo special. We watched Joe Budden’s podcast together at first, then we had sex, then we continued the podcast, cuddled and relaxed when it was over, he slept off at some point, then woke up, I played Popcaan’s forever album, we started watching some nfl recap on YouTube, then we had sex again, during which his friend came to pick up a box I later found was his engagement ring for his girlfriend, so we had to stop and then start again, which messed with our regular me on top position so we switched to doggy style and finished then he called me an Uber and I went home.

There’s so much missing from the way I told that story. Like the part where she called and then he knew I had heard her voice so he started playing footsie with my toes and I felt like that was to reassure me, the way I felt when he looked at me and how I had to catch my breath when I first saw him, and all the feelings I felt knowing that he knew I could get pregnant because I was no longer on the pill, or the fact that we spent 4 hours just being in each other’s arms, relaxed and happy.

If anything reassured me of his feelings for me, even though he didn’t say them, this did. I was really happy.

Anyway I have to go now. It’s time for service.

I don’t know how to even tell the story I want to right now.

We had an argument yesterday about me getting back on birth control. It wasn’t even really an argument.

He just told me he’s not ducking without birth control and I told him I didn’t think I could get back on birth control. He said he understood that and I understood his fear of me getting pregnant. Don’t mean I wasn’t butt hurt tho.

I was so mad that after 2 years he couldn’t even attempt pulling out. I sha didn’t bother telling him this. I just told him okay we won’t fuck, but I’ll text him anyway.

I went for a sallah party and got drunk, and then sent him a bunch of random messages. Drunken stuff, but nothing emotional. He didn’t reply and I went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to see that he didn’t reply me which was so confusing because he always checks at least to see that I’m home.

I sent him a message expressing my disappointment. It’s not morning yet, so no reply, but I believe I followed the leading of The Holy Spirit. We’ll find out in the morning.

Heat

My friend called me tonight. I had previously told him that if he hears anything about me, he should ask me first and I promise to say the truth. I told him this when I thought everything would blow up in my face and on Twitter.

He heard I’m sleeping with someone’s boo.

I didn’t lie. I told him it’s true. I told him almost everything except who.

We talked for over an hour. He gave me advice. I didn’t admit to still sleeping with him, but I admitted to still being in contact with him. He tried to talk me out of that.

He seems to think that I’m a victim in all of this. I don’t think I am, because I know I wasn’t coerced in any way. I wanted this. I fell in love and maybe forgot myself.

Now the heat is here, and I wonder if I can take it. I wonder if we’ll both survive this. Actually I don’t. I know we will, I just don’t know how.

It’s the knowing how I need patience with. Everything in good time. Everything.

All on the line. We’ll make it through this.

Not Pregnant

Took a blood test on Thursday after scaring both him and myself. I’m not pregnant. Also took other tests. We’re both clean.

He said I alarmed him because I told him I won’t have an abortion if I’m pregnant. I reminded him of my condition. He said he understood.

Things are still a bit awkward between us. I don’t think it’s about this tho. I think he’s going through stuff. He won’t even say what and that stresses me, but what can I do?

I’m really struggling with this him that’s so distant. I’m lonely. I hate being lonely.

He’s not coming over this weekend, says he’s busy. I dunno again.. It is well sha.